Thursday 30 September 2010

I'm a two-timer

Blogger, first let me say, I love you... you know that.
We've been together for what, two and a half wonderful years? and I want it to stay that way.

And since I want our relationship to be honest and genuine, I've got to tell you... I've been cheating.

With Wordpress.

Yes, Wordpress (not .org, just .com) - that more high-tech, professional, customizable, useful blogging site.

But let me tell you -- it didn't mean anything to me. Sure, it gives me way less formatting headaches and it's the software that real, legit websites use, but it just wasn't... you.

It started out as a professional thing... the Times Union uses Wordpress and with ASP blog on their site, I was just around it a lot, and got to know it a little.

Then I had to make my own blog for class and I just wanted to try something new. To see what I was missing.

It's not that I'm ashamed or embarrassed by you, you're just not always completely suitable for the classroom, you know? I mean, half of your name is a curse. You're a little wild, untamed and all over the place, and that's what I love about you.

Also, you're way better looking.

So while I do have to be around Wordpress for the rest of the semester, and now and then next semester... it's going to be strictly professional. There's just nothing there... and I'll never leave you.

If you take me back, that is.

And you will.... because you are a blog, not a person.

Wednesday 14 July 2010

Kickass Kicked Ass

In line for the movies last night, my girlfriends and I argued for about 20 minutes over what movie to see. Pulling hard for "How To Train Your Dragon," I lost suddenly in over-time to "Kickass."

I didn't feel like watching another superhero movie. They're all the same - you take a unpopular kid struggling through high school, their parent is killed, and they somehow gain super powers to avenge the death, while fighting crime in the urban area they happen to conveniently live in, and eventually "get the girl."

"Kickass" was different. Have you ever thought, during a superhero movie, about what would happen if you were to attempt such a feat? I know that if I tried to dress up in tights and fight crime, I would probably get my ass handed to me and look like an idiot doing so. Those movies are cut and edited so nicely that the hero is always either in the middle of an intense action scene or changed, cleaned up, home, and safe. You never see the in-between time of a spandexed guy walking awkwardly down the street in New York City, asking people if they need help and soliciting laughs and headshakes.

In "Kickass," you see that. You see this kid end up in the hospital for weeks.

And I start to think, well, at this point, if I were this kid, I would have quit. I would be done with this. Because it's only a matter of time before someone puts a bullet in this kid's head.

And then Kickass delivers an awfully powerful line, reminiscent of Boondock Saints:

"The f*** is wrong with you, man? You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even f***ing know?"
"Three assholes, laying into one guy while everybody else watches? And you wanna know what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'd rather die... so bring it on."

Nothing like some good ol' vigilantism to wash away the guilt of watching someone kill a bunch of people. This kid does something many people wish they had the guts to do - he risks his life for his fellow man instead of just standing there. Afterall, according to BDS (and probably the Bible), "the evil we must fear the most is the indifference of good men."

Plus, McLovin from Superbad is in it, so if nothing else, you can enjoy his hilarious facial expressions.

Be warned - this movie is extremely and incredibly violent... as you may have guessed from the title.

Wednesday 30 June 2010

My father belongs on a Twitter Sitcom

"The Beatles are s!@#, and so are these clowns [Matchbox Twenty]. I mean, 'She came in through the bathroom window' -these guys have to cover a Joe Cocker song because they don't have any good songs of their own!"

Quote compliments of my own father, Big Ben. He says this and I think... I should start my own "s!@# my dad says."

For those of you who don't know, this song - which starts after Bright Lights - is a Beatles song turned Joe Cocker song turned, as shown above, Matchbox Twenty song.

And for those of you who don't Tweet, Shit My Dad Says is #2 on my list of most hilarious Twitter accounts (@bpglobalpr is #1 and @fakeapstylebook is #3). The biography reads:

"I'm 29. I live with my 74-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says"

The result is hilarious, offensive, advising quotes from this cynical (sometimes, strangely loving) old man.

And if something's so popular on Twitter why not stretch it out to another form of media and put William Shatner in it?

CBS will be airing "$#*! My Dad Says" (pronounced "Bleep My Dad Says") on Thursdays (7:30pm) this fall.

Tuesday 29 June 2010

New Alma Mater

Miss you, SUNY, and your unique, sometimes inappropriate sort of school pride.

Wednesday 16 June 2010

Twitter sells out to Toy Story 3

Eleven years ago, my 8-year-old self shuffled to the movie theatre with my 6-year-old brother to see the new Disney/Pixar movie everyone was talking about.

We fell in love with the cowardly T-Rex, a potato going through a mid-life crisis, a worn out cowboy that sounds very much like Forrest Gump and a cocky astronaut.

Three years later, they're back for the 3rd toy story, with more toys, more laughs, more effects (3d!) and more... shameless promoting?

As if this movie wasn't already talked about enough - there's a FB page "Move out of the way children I've been waiting 11 years to see Toy Story 3." But Disney/Pixar went ahead and for the first time to my knowledge, BOUGHT a trending topic on Twitter.

Quick Twitter lesson for the confused: Trending Topics are a list of the currently most mentioned items on Twitter - they can range from the names of politicians to "world cup" to "oil spill" to "Justin Beiber" to "The Sandlot" or whatever movie happens to be on ABC Family at the moment.

Simply, Trending Topics are dominated by the people of Twitter. If Obama is giving a health care speech, "Health care" will probably be one of the trending topics. A popular movie, even, on its opening night, might be a Trending Topic.

So I think it's the start of something horrible to see a "promoted" TT. Here is Twitter saying, "Look! This is important and people are talking about it!" When really, Disney/Pixar just threw a bunch of money at this site, to put "Toy Story 3" on the list... a list it probably would have been on anyway.

Fictional character Aldous Snow dominates my playlist

I'm completely embarrassed by how much I enjoy the "Get Him to the Greek Soundtrack."

Warning: some lyrics are super offensive.

The movie is about a record company employee (Jonah Hill) whose task is to get rockstar Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) to LA for a concert. Brand recorded several songs for the soundtrack, most as the frontman for fictional band Infant Sorrow. The band was featured in his earlier movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", in which he played the same character.

I was shocked by how good some of these songs sounded. I was thoroughly enjoying the catchy, upbeat song "The Clap"... until, a second later, the part of my brain that processes words caught up with the part of my brain that processes music and said... "actually, this song is about catching STDs...."

In a movie all about a musician, the tracks recorded play an important role. This role is to define the character of Aldous Snow as a preposterous, obnoxious, inappropriate, bad-ass musican, while providing some solid jams and sweet ballads to set the tone of the movie.

What you get is songs with two dimensions, the first being music that goes well with the scene. "The Clap" is played during an exciting outdoor concert in Times Square, while piano ballad "Bangers, Beans and Mash" plays during a more sentimental scene.

The second dimension is the lyrics... which often have nothing to do with the scene. While "The Clap" seems, at first, to have something to do with music... it's actually about gonorrhea. The lyrics to "Inside of You" are, as you can imagine, ridiculous... "there's got to be some part of me inside of you."

Jackie Q's few featured singles are completely over-sexual (and hilarious) to define her character as "that sexpot pop star." The clip of her music video made me realize that today's pop stars still, for the most part, have some class - or, at least, could have less class.

When I first heard "Bangers, Beans & Mash" in the movie, I thought "people are going to cover this." Actually, there was a contest through YouTube, in which fans could submit their covers of the song and the winner would attend the premiere of the film (June 4th) (already happened). So the tune is well on it's way to being the most covered song of all time (maybe) and I plan to contribute to that by figuring out the piano part tomorrow.

Enjoy Jason Segal & Maroon 5's version of "Bangers, Beans & Mash"... which, by the way, is not dirty; "bangers" is what Brits call sausage.

Monday 14 June 2010

SillyBandz: Now more useful than currency

"SillyBandz are so cool. You can't be cool unless you have SillyBandz," my 7-year-old cousin informed me.

I am finally cool -- this weekend, I obtained the light pink silicone pig I now sport on my arm.

For such a stupid fad, they are rather amazing. I take off the band, untangle it a little, put it on my laptop and there it is - a pig, exactly the way it looked when it was in the package. Not stretched out or deformed, but perfect.

I wonder, how are these things made??

Well, keep wondering, because even with my internet searching and stalking skills, I cannot find it for the life of me. I'm pretty sure they just pour the melted plastic into a mold and once it cools, you have sillybandz. I have, however, found one ridiculous but entertaining rumor: Sillybandz are made of used condoms?!

Back in my day, our rubber bracelets only came in circles... but packed their share of scandal. When I was 12 and sporting a few purple and black rubber bracelets, my mom asked me if I was wearing them to play sex games.

I didn't know that some sex-crazed kids my age thought it'd be cool if they assigned each color bracelet a sex act. According to this "snap" game, when a guy "snapped" a bracelet off a girl's arm, she had to do whatever that bracelet meant with him, ranging from a hug to a lapdance to doing it. So it's a good thing no 12-year-old boys got a hold of that black one...

So my question is: how long until this generation comes up with sex games for SillyBandz? Looks like they're one step closer...