The bitch went nuts, y'all.
But everyone said she might.
Holy fucking shit. Seriously now.
Now they want more.
They're at my door with torches. Scores and scores.
You would have thought I'd scorned them all.
They've got a doll of me, they're burnin'.
The actual idea of this song (which was actually recommended by my awesome band teacher) has nothing to do with what I'm going to write about. But lately I feel like I am a bitch... who is going nuts.
If you ask some of my friends, I think they would tell you I've been a bit moody lately and I'm not sure why. Tiny, minuscule events set me off like a she-devil. Someone broke into the kickass Halloween Food Locker that James and I created, and I am doing everything I can to settle this score. "Shut up" seems to be my answer to every question I am asked. Disagreements on political issues are not pretty. Today the subject of abortion really got me going, I couldn't even stop - and it was with my sweet, good-intentioned friend Katie. Don't even bring up Sarah Palin.
What is the reason for this madness? I assure you it is not PMS or anything related. Perhaps it's personal problems, or family issues of some sort? None that I am aware of. Quarrels with friends? Nope. Sadly, I don't think I even know why I am going nuts.
Fall is my favorite season. Life seems like a beautiful, blissful movie. However, it's also ridiculously busy - not only for myself, but my friends as well. I think the combination of my stress with their stress is driving me crazy. Not to say that my friends "dump" their problems on me (if anything, I do that to them), but just having that stress in the atmosphere, that tension, could make anyone snap. To be completely honest, competition has a small role in my madness. Having really intelligent, successful friends can be nice ...and also depressing. Several times a day I feel extremely insufficient.
Of course, the natural thing to do in times of plummeting self-esteem is to... You guessed it! Bully, bitch, make fun of people. It's all in good fun, deep down I really love these people (1). I think they know it too; I don't think my bitchiness makes them question that. As long as I still have friends, I don't really see too much of a problem with this habit.
This is probably a problem. That is - the fact that I do not see a problem in my voltile ways. It may be beneficial to calm down, to control myself a bit more. I feel like with this temper comes slight sociopathic tendencies... this is cannot be good. I should probably work on being a bit less self-centered. I am startlingly okay with all this, though. I am getting by. There is that light at the end of the tunnell that is college next year, and once I get there I'll be good to go. Or at least I'll have a batch of fresh, new problems to occupy myself with.
In the meantime, I would advise you to do one of to things: either stay away from me, or if you're feeling brave, tell me to stop being such a bitch.
I might listen.
(1) Except Kyle, who broke my face, and Greg, who stole my Gatorade. These grudges are worth holding.
ramblings of a semester untold, III
5 years ago